It was a sunny day although rather cold when I took my inner critic for a walk. I wanted some space so I kept a comfortable distance from her; both of us walking a tire track on the road. I felt uncomfortable, yet I wanted to give her an opportunity to get some fresh air - get the cobwebs out of her hair and off her rather miserable looking jacket. She was old and gnarly, yet the size of a child. She hobbled and sort of whined every now and then. We walked in silence, yet it wasn't that peaceful silence I've grown to love. It was awkward. I felt her obstinance and I started questioning myself. Had I done something already that she'd disapproved of... perhaps I had chosen the wrong path. Maybe it was the wrong time of day? Too much sun glare? Too cold? Suddenly I stopped myself. I realised I had already linked into her energy. How devious! I shook my head and laughed out loud.
"Very tricky", I said to her.
She glared at me with judgment. "What do you think this will do?" she said sharply. "You and I both know you are worthless."
I listened to her waffle on and continued walking, while she hobbled. After another moment of silence, I asked, "What is your purpose?"
Without hesitation she said, not without contempt, "To keep you small. To silence you. To sabotage and demean you... "
I got the idea.
I kept walking and waited, the air clear and fresh on our faces.
"What else do you need to say?" I asked again.
"I'll always find a flaw in everything you do. That's my job".
"You are exceptional at it!" I applauded her.
She scowled and stopped in defiance. She was angry.
"You have my attention" I said, "Isn't that what you want?"
The sun was descending into the west casting a beautiful golden light over the mountains and fields. A river trickled by to our left in a soothing serenade.
I looked into her hazy yet piercing eyes. "What is it that you really want to say?" I pressed.
It looked as though she was about to burst with anger. Her knobby legs shook. Her absurdly long fingers were clenched so tight her knuckles turned white. Her face was screwed up in all sorts of contortions and then in an instant she let out an enormous sigh and sunk onto the earth.
In that moment her energy changed. All around was quiet, as if pausing just for her. The trees and grass hushed in the breeze. The clouds hung in anticipation across the fading sky.
"I am afraid" came the words.
As the wind picked up I hugged my shawl, pulling it closer to my chest. "Yes", I said quietly.
"I am afraid I will not be seen... I'm afraid that I will not be heard and that I do not exist".
Tears welled in her eyes. Her face had changed to not be so grotesque, rather soft and innocent, yet full of fear and sorrow.
I sat down in front of her and waited.
"I have to throw a tantrum to be noticed" she said "And, if I am perfect then they will see me. I will be loved".
I felt the tears in my eyes now. My critic was tiny, innocent and hadn't grown up yet. I opened my heart and kept listening in case she needed to say more, to be heard or be seen.
"I have had to be something else other than myself so then maybe I will be seen, I will exist". she continued quietly.
"Yes" I responded gently. "We did that for a while".
Another long pause entered the space as the sun dipped lower to kiss the peaks of the mountains.
"What is it that you need?" I asked slowly.
"I need to feel safe" she replied.
The air between us seemed to gradually grow warmer, more comfortable and open. I felt compassion and love for this child-like part of myself. She was fragile, yet strong. I held her in that moment and I agreed that I would listen to her. She needed to be validated and heard; to know that she was important and that she was safe. Now she had the opportunity to mature in her own time - with my support and guidance as the adult.
As dusk fell around us, the stars began to twinkle. A crescent moon smiled crookedly from above as if in a private sort of joke. The wind was getting colder so I stood and looked at the child.
"Shall we go home now?" I smiled.
She nodded "Yes".
I reached out my hand and she took it. We walked back along the road, crooked moon smile illuminating the way. With the breeze pushing us along, we walked in silence. We'd been seen and heard and held by the sun. Homeward now, to be friends.
Written by Laura Naomi
© 2018 Laura Naomi, "Wellness of the Soul"
Emerging from Yellowstone we headed into land that I had never explored.
To Montana, the Crow Reservation and where the Garden of a Thousand Buddhas sat, nestled among the hills. The way I heard of the Garden came through an unlikely channel, however, I felt called so it became one of the few focal points of our journey.
Zen has played a large part in my life. Walking with stillness beyond complexity. Touching extremes, where opposites cancel each other out. Existing where only emptiness remains. Carrying out tasks, that seem completely human, yet which bring deep pleasure and child-like delight.
I have found that my relationship to what is natural has had a great affect on my wellbeing - that the very essence of what is Zen is found in my connection to nature. Nature does not have agendas, it does not yearn for love, to be accepted nor hang onto emotion like a frayed memory. It does not force itself onto another, try to convince anything or anyone else of it's reality. It is through this connection, among other things, that I have come to remember the real me.
I noticed that the more peaceful I felt inside myself, the more I felt it around me. And, the more I experienced it around me, the more at peace I became.
I wrapped myself in white cloth to shade myself from the sun. The wind tugged at my clothes as I stepped out of the car. It seemed to enjoy dancing with me, almost whipping away the cloth and tossing it into the air like a leaf in a storm. We wandered through the Thousand Buddhas. Each had a prayer, each in a pattern aligned with the medicine wheel. After some time, we felt drawn to the hilltop with prayer flags. We climbed the hill, the warm sun a little too warm for my liking, however when we reached the top, I felt liberated.
Walking around the temple of flags the wind tore its way through the plentiful windows. I loved the wild gusts, I felt like cobwebs were being blown from my bones. I felt drawn to be inside the temple, so in the center we sat.
The flags waved at each other in colourful gestures that seemed almost like a random order. I closed my eyes. I started to hear rain. The sun flickered through the material, like filtered light through leaves. A peace washed over me listening to the sound of flags snapping like rain drops in a continual liquidless downpour.
Many moments passed and I felt cleansed. I didn't want to go, yet the world ruled by time had other plans. It pulled me back although I remained outside its grasp. We wandered further to more buddhas set at the foothills. Pausing for longer, we then returned to the circle, expressing gratitude to the Thousand Buddhas.
The big sky had dimmed as if some unseen hand had turned down the light, to set a romantic mood. The land was a merging of peaceful people, of spirituality and of deep healing. I felt reaffirmed. All the words in the world vanished, and an invisible purity whispered in our hearts. A deep peace remained, held by a world of compassion.
Blog written by Laura Naomi
© Laura Naomi
Useful traveling tips and information
My Experience: Vast beauty
The Garden of a Thousand Buddhas
My Experience: Peace and gratitude
Unless you live in Montana, the Garden is a long way to get to. There are many beautiful areas to explore no matter what direction you're coming from. It is a must to visit on a Wyoming - Montana road trip. Going with no expectations, for me it is a space that is peaceful and gentle. Although very subtle, the experience was abundant and the energy of the land vast.
The journey began traveling north towards Cheyanne. It took some time for me to relax, let go and detach from the last month. Sipping on a green tea and humming to tunes we headed along the road, more than ready for another journey.
Cheyanne greeted us with a familiar smiling face and a warm embrace. We spent the evening in graceful company, talking, eating and drinking good wine. I learnt a lot that night, while my heart filled with affection and kindness, the kind that you receive from open hearts and compassion.
With a belly full of joy and tea we hit the road again the next morning. Excitement built in my veins as we headed towards the Tetons, yet we were hours away before crossing their path. The road slowly became empty, occasionally a car would speed by in a blur as the fields opened up to rolling hills and beyond.
I looked to my phone to see if we’d made the right turn. No reception. We look at each other. I scratched my head. Time for the real road map; the one with tattered pages that I could hold in my hands. I dusted it off, I just needed good eye sight not wifi or phone data. We were driving past a hill on our left. “It’s supposed to be on our right”, I said. So we turned around, and as we did, there a deer stood quietly watching us from the field.
We stopped and watched back for a moment, then gradually pulled away.
Onward we went, now in the correct direction.
After many stops and stretches, we venture to higher ground, the road revealing snowy crevices still hidden from the full sun. I point excitedly ahead, “Are those the mountains?”, which met smiles, “You’ll know when you see them” was the reply.
I relaxed for a while and then suddenly we peaked another range and there they were. Stunning alpines pointed majestically into the sky as the sun beamed serenely through a gentle haze. Behind us loomed dark clouds contrasting a scene of clarity. We paused for a while, elevated and breathing in the clean air. After several moments of basking in the radiance, we continued on down the mountain side. Turning, winding and weaving, I wondered what else would unfold as we meandered further. With the snowcaps constantly in view, eventually we came to a lake. Much closer now, the grand peaks, the sky and the water all seemed to reflect each others mood. Silvery light cascaded along silky surfaces, blue curves dived into blackness; a creative dream.
I am in love all over again, with the splendor of this moment. In the presence of these ancient ones I do not want to leave, just sit and soak in the beauty.
My body is still, my mind knows we have more miles to cover so to the car once more. I know we will return.
On we go...
The day is rapidly waning. More mountains and trees, lakes and more lakes. Some with a shiver of wind breezily across the surface, others, motionless with a perfect replica of the sky. We are now on the side of a volcano. The energy feels vast. I can feel I am returning to myself. A familiar quietness begins to fall upon the space. I am in the presence of ancient land and it is time to sink into the mystery. Although there are others traveling on the road, their anxious energy wanes with the light and a gentle yet expansive peace settles upon our hearts.
Corners this way and that, sometimes stopping to take in the moment. Natural sulfur springs puff clouds into the cool air, bubbling and seething like an underwater sea dragon defending his domain. I see silhouettes against the dusk sky, forms reflected in a river of mirrors and a crescent moon slithers quietly across the heavens.
We are nearly at our place of rest. The shades of night almost cover the world when we round a corner to see a valley of lush fields and streams. Plodding among the fields are a heard of buffalo; slowly, ethereally, they meander. I am in awe of their presence and unassuming grace. They seem so quiet, content and prehistoric.
We watch as one walks along the road, not across it, down the road, in front of the cars. We see the humour, as human’s only take note of time and maintain a schedule to fit everything into. Here, time is irrelevant, it does not exist. Our smiles grow larger. I feel the buffalo offering us a gift of peaceful presence. Their depth of being extending far beyond this moment.
Here we stay for a while, the stars twinkling brightly as the last light fades from view. It is time to rest so we retire. Distractions and voices diminish into the distance. I curl up in a cradle of peace, the energy of the sacred land reaching its way into my soul. I welcome its vast grace and wisdom and allow it to envelop me.
I dream deeply of a peaceful world.
Blog written by Laura Naomi
© Laura Naomi
Useful traveling tips and information
Yellowstone National Park
My Experience: Exceptional
My Experience: Peaceful & Eco Friendly
The thing I love about the Canyon Lodges was the new and eco-friendly element in the rooms and community areas. There are water-saving devices, LED lighting, "smart switches" and several compartments for waste, among several other things. Because of the beetle kill that has devastated many pine forests in recent years, the Canyon Lodges have recycled the diseased wood in the updated lodges.
Although it was rather busy, our stay was quiet and I felt more at ease because of the lower carbon footprint I was contributing to.
Soulful Living - Travel Blog