October Feature

Arcadia National Park, Maine

The Wolves Within

Lately, life has brought me a series of experiences to bring me back to Earth, to remind me of my humanness. I have experienced this several times over the years; more recently this humanness has carried feelings of exhilaration and raw vulnerability. I experienced extremes of emotion at the same time, both within myself and witnessed it within others - great beauty and connection within suffering and disconnection; empowerment in the inner struggles of not being enough; a strange sense of inclusion within the internal conflict of separation and judgment; the incredible joy of success, while deep insecurities lie just beneath the surface, and an intriguing relationship between compassion and fear...
As I walked along a Mt Desert Island shoreline reflecting on these moments, the moods of the ocean mirrored both the calm and wildness of these treasures. It reminded me of paradoxes and how it can feel when experiencing this phenomenon. Although not extensively, I did ponder for a while, about what does one do when in a paradox. Only the void responded. Despite my love for the unknown, to begin with it wasn't really the answer I was looking for. But as I sat there without clarity, I realized I didn't really know what answer I was looking for. I was in a place of vague inconclusiveness and ambiguity.
I then decided to just allow the emotions I was experiencing to just be what they were, without the need to find meaning. Perhaps eventually clarity would appear at some point, and perhaps it wouldn't. I feel that it's more about feeling the variety of human 'states' for the sake of experiencing and accept that life doesn't always make sense.

Then I remembered the saying about how two wolves live within every human being.

And that these two wolves are in battle. One represents shadow and despair; the other, light and hope. I wonder if this Cherokee saying was interpreted correctly as it ends with, "which wolf wins? The one you feed". 

Although everyone has their own perspective, what sits well in my heart is that there is no battle and there is space inside where shadow and light become one. Both are valid and both have purpose. If I decide to understand both these parts of myself I can reach a place of integration of these two energies rather than try to eliminate one or the other. This to me brings a sense of peace rather than denying who I am; the wounds, the humanness, the deep beauty of life in all its magnificence and challenges. I can be all of this and allow it to be without editing, embracing ambiguity and letting go of the need to 'know'.

The ocean responded with a rumbling swirl upon the rocks below. Thoughts drifted away sailing on the wind beyond the waves.

Written by Laura Naomi © copyright 2019

Arcadia National Park, Maine